I don’t know what to do

Do you ever feel like what you did is never enough? That your effort in the past was not good enough? That thinking that makes you afraid to take another step? This is what happens to me in the past and it’s still here, getting stronger.

I did an internship before, to fulfilled the requirement of my major. In the end of the internship, the people from the company asked me to do a presentation about problem-solving in the department. After I did my presentation, I know my opinion was not something that they want. They told me nicely even they didn’t judge or critique me harshly. They just told me indirectly that “Your opinion is really good, but we all have already done it. We want something else, deeper to the problem.”

That sentence really haunted me until now, made me like I’m not a good person to do something. That experience is really pressured me. They offered me to work in the company after I graduate, but I’m really scared to face them.

Besides that experience, my friends are also made me overwhelmed by everything. There is my classmate, who got a thank-you letter from a stock trader, said that my friend’s prediction about a stock in the future was right. The stock trader got a rise in the stock which my friend predicted. Another friend, my friend from research cluster already plan ahead what he will be going to do after graduating. He already had an extensive plan to go abroad to get a master degree, he already knows the university he’s planning to enroll to, knows the exact cost, living cost, etc. And there’s another friend who before we were graduated, already did interviews for a job. Meanwhile, me… I don’t know what to do after graduation. I feel really confused about my future, about what will I do.

My friends and my parents see me as a cheerful-smart-ambitious-confident girl. However, this feeling… this thinking… always haunted me every time I’m alone. This makes my chest aches a lot. I can’t share my feeling with others because I know that I’m going to cry.

About crying, I experienced it once when I had to talk to the psychologist for the career planning workshop. I ended up crying really hard in front of her, which was not I supposed to do because it’s supposed to be an easy talk about the future. That time—and it’s still happening until now—I was really scared that I ended up not doing enough and not doing well like what parents doing now. I bottled it and ended up crying for half an hour in front of her. Her answer really scares me to share my problems with others, because if the psychologist didn’t really understand, then what about the others?

My uncle said, “Relax. Just take a break after graduation. I applied for job after 4 months of a break after graduation and still got a job faster than my friends.” However, I can’t digest that statement. My uncle is really smart, his first job was in PwC and all of my friends already busying themselves with browsing and applying for the job.

My friends said to me, “You are really ambitious and smart. You already writing a thesis in the 7th semester and here I am still struggling with my drawing. While you graduated with above 3.5 GPA next year, I just start doing my thesis.”

There are also people that said, “You are crazy, you took part as the student assistant in research cluster while at the same time you have to write the thesis. You have two courses also. And you are planning to graduate in this semester.”

However… I never see myself as ambitious. I did all of it, because… I don’t want to be left behind by my friends. The one who said that I’m ambitious and smart is struggling because she enrolls an architecture major. It’s common to finish that major in 4 years, while my major… it’s common to finish in 3,5 years. I also don’t see myself as smart because, let’s face it… I’m in a business administration major, which is more easy to study it compares to my friend’s major. The people who said that I joined research cluster in the busiest semester was because I had to do it cause my thesis advisor who offered me the job and I couldn’t reject it.

Today is 6 days after I officially graduated. I still don’t know what to do. My only plan is to apply as a civil servant. And here I’m confused. I feel belittle for myself because when I thought of this, all of my friends who already graduated plan to applied in the corporate companies, which is more suitable for my major. I have a thought “You graduated from the business major. What would your friends say if they know that you only applied for state-owned companies, which is not suitable for us?”

Today also the day that my mother said to me that her friend offered me an internship after she saw my mother’s photos of my graduation. She said that I’m smart to graduate only in 3,5 years and also got cum laude. She also said that the company needs smart millennials like me… I’m feeling scared, really, really scared. My parents urged me to take it, but I don’t want to disappoint the company and also the woman who offered it. I don’t want them to regret to waste their time and money for me. I really feel burdened.

When my friends said that they are jealous because I’m already graduated, I feel bitter inside. They still have an easy life, trying to finish and graduate from the university. Sometimes, I regretted that I graduate sooner. I feel really scared to do anything. And I know I reached my lowest self-esteem in this period.

 

xoxo,

Nami

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