I don’t know what to do

Do you ever feel like what you did is never enough? That your effort in the past was not good enough? That thinking that makes you afraid to take another step? This is what happens to me in the past and it’s still here, getting stronger.

I did an internship before, to fulfilled the requirement of my major. In the end of the internship, the people from the company asked me to do a presentation about problem-solving in the department. After I did my presentation, I know my opinion was not something that they want. They told me nicely even they didn’t judge or critique me harshly. They just told me indirectly that “Your opinion is really good, but we all have already done it. We want something else, deeper to the problem.”

That sentence really haunted me until now, made me like I’m not a good person to do something. That experience is really pressured me. They offered me to work in the company after I graduate, but I’m really scared to face them.

Besides that experience, my friends are also made me overwhelmed by everything. There is my classmate, who got a thank-you letter from a stock trader, said that my friend’s prediction about a stock in the future was right. The stock trader got a rise in the stock which my friend predicted. Another friend, my friend from research cluster already plan ahead what he will be going to do after graduating. He already had an extensive plan to go abroad to get a master degree, he already knows the university he’s planning to enroll to, knows the exact cost, living cost, etc. And there’s another friend who before we were graduated, already did interviews for a job. Meanwhile, me… I don’t know what to do after graduation. I feel really confused about my future, about what will I do.

My friends and my parents see me as a cheerful-smart-ambitious-confident girl. However, this feeling… this thinking… always haunted me every time I’m alone. This makes my chest aches a lot. I can’t share my feeling with others because I know that I’m going to cry.

About crying, I experienced it once when I had to talk to the psychologist for the career planning workshop. I ended up crying really hard in front of her, which was not I supposed to do because it’s supposed to be an easy talk about the future. That time—and it’s still happening until now—I was really scared that I ended up not doing enough and not doing well like what parents doing now. I bottled it and ended up crying for half an hour in front of her. Her answer really scares me to share my problems with others, because if the psychologist didn’t really understand, then what about the others?

My uncle said, “Relax. Just take a break after graduation. I applied for job after 4 months of a break after graduation and still got a job faster than my friends.” However, I can’t digest that statement. My uncle is really smart, his first job was in PwC and all of my friends already busying themselves with browsing and applying for the job.

My friends said to me, “You are really ambitious and smart. You already writing a thesis in the 7th semester and here I am still struggling with my drawing. While you graduated with above 3.5 GPA next year, I just start doing my thesis.”

There are also people that said, “You are crazy, you took part as the student assistant in research cluster while at the same time you have to write the thesis. You have two courses also. And you are planning to graduate in this semester.”

However… I never see myself as ambitious. I did all of it, because… I don’t want to be left behind by my friends. The one who said that I’m ambitious and smart is struggling because she enrolls an architecture major. It’s common to finish that major in 4 years, while my major… it’s common to finish in 3,5 years. I also don’t see myself as smart because, let’s face it… I’m in a business administration major, which is more easy to study it compares to my friend’s major. The people who said that I joined research cluster in the busiest semester was because I had to do it cause my thesis advisor who offered me the job and I couldn’t reject it.

Today is 6 days after I officially graduated. I still don’t know what to do. My only plan is to apply as a civil servant. And here I’m confused. I feel belittle for myself because when I thought of this, all of my friends who already graduated plan to applied in the corporate companies, which is more suitable for my major. I have a thought “You graduated from the business major. What would your friends say if they know that you only applied for state-owned companies, which is not suitable for us?”

Today also the day that my mother said to me that her friend offered me an internship after she saw my mother’s photos of my graduation. She said that I’m smart to graduate only in 3,5 years and also got cum laude. She also said that the company needs smart millennials like me… I’m feeling scared, really, really scared. My parents urged me to take it, but I don’t want to disappoint the company and also the woman who offered it. I don’t want them to regret to waste their time and money for me. I really feel burdened.

When my friends said that they are jealous because I’m already graduated, I feel bitter inside. They still have an easy life, trying to finish and graduate from the university. Sometimes, I regretted that I graduate sooner. I feel really scared to do anything. And I know I reached my lowest self-esteem in this period.




My rant for the Assassin’s Creed Origins

I’m on the holiday (right now it’s 4 days to internship, RIP my free time), which means I can play the console game. And the game I’m playing right now is the Assassin’s Creed Origins. I’m really hyped for this game since it’s in Egypt, the country which I longed to travel to (started since I read the Agatha Christie). The ratings are also amazing, around 9, so I bought the deluxe version, LOL.

With the deluxe version, you can get the add-ons for gears, weapons, and also the mount. Besides that, you get missions, the whole-printed map for this game, and the soundtrack in the form of a disk.

I’m really excited to play this game since it’s the first time I play directly after the game released. In the past, I always played the game after two-five years the released. Because of this, I can follow around with the people that play ACO together, and hype together.

I’m going to tell you first about the story setting. Assassin’s Creed Origins is about the MC tried to defend his motherland after the Greeks forced their way to Egypt. You can say this game is about the nationalism that the MC had and at the same time, he tried to avenge his murdered son.

The story setting for this game starts when the Ptolemy ruled and the Cleopatra being exiled. In this game, the MC (Main Character), Bayek, which was the last Medjay (the elite warrior who protect the Pharaoh), with his wife, was supporting the Cleopatra to get her throne back.

The interesting part, but also the saddest part is we all know, historically how that ends. Cleopatra did a suicide after Anthony killed in a war, her son, Caesarion, murdered shortly after he claimed the throne, and finally, the Rome had full control over the Egypt, which means, Egypt lost. So, our MC in this game, we can say, all of his efforts were fruitless attempts to defend his origin, which was Egypt.

Based on this story setting, you can get Egypt, not pure Egypt, since the Greeks are half-way to colonized Egypt. With this setting, there are many statues or monuments that represented the Greek, like the statue of Alexander the Great, etc. And there are many people who moved their belief to the Greek’s Gods, so don’t be surprised when the conversation contains Hades or any Greek’s God mixed up with other Egypt’s Gods. And yes, in this story, the Greeks are dominant in the streets, which sometimes with the slaves from Egypt. Also, the Greek’s culture is being dominant in the Egypt, which is the race with the chariot.

Let’s move to the game set up. Since Desmond already died, there’s no more Eagle Vision. The Ubisoft changed it to the REAL EAGLE. In this game, the MC has an Eagle to use for the scanning, tracking, and helping the MC. In my opinion, I prefer this real eagle than the eagle vision. Senu—the MC’s eagle—has a broader vision, which sometimes can be too easy for the stealth. Not only the enemy, Senu can track the treasure and also the tunnel. And if you upgraded the skill, you can get the Senu which can track the movement of the enemy, which is really cool, because you can see where the enemy will go.

The weapons are also different. We obviously know there’s no gun, so the Ubisoft changed it to the bow which can shoot really quick like the gun. There are also other new weapons, like scepter (even I don’t know what that is because I’ve never seen that in other games), heavy axe, heavy hammer, spear (long live the spear!). The usual weapons and tools are also in here, like swords, smoke bombs, etc. Don’t forget the hidden blade, because it’s the characteristic of the Assassin.

The thing that irks me is that there’s only one hidden blade. With only one hidden blade, I can’t make any double assassination, which really annoys me so much, because I’m always on the stealth style, not the frontal battle style.

And maybe because this story is in the ancient time, so there’s no other way besides hunt, sell, or loot to get money. It’s really a shame because I really enjoy earning money in the Assassin’s Creed Revelations.

By the way, if you want to play this game, I suggest that you read first about this era since the intro is really abrupt, there’s no clue whatsoever. I’m really confused first, I was like, “Why the hell is there even Hades in here,” because I thought it’s in the much more ancient Egypt, but nope.

The intro is really made me confused that made me search in the google. Fortunately, I’m not the only one who felt that LOL. Apparently, this game has flashback plot, which is the past will be revealed later on when the targets were killed in the form of a scene. And I think this game has the longest scene after we killed the target. I took a long time to watch the after-kill scene rather than to kill the target.

AND ALSO, this game is the biggest exploration map I’ve ever played, really bigger than the Skyrim. When I played in the first area, which is in Siwa, I was like, “RIP, how long will it take for me to explore all of them,” because I’m more on the exploration and doing the quest missions than the main missions.

There’s a cute feature that I really like, YOU CAN PET CATS in here. It’s useless, but relaxing to hear the meow, LOL. The cats keep tailing you everywhere, even when I’m in the stealth mode. And also, there’s a photo mode, which is really helpful for me, because the panorama is really beautiful that I want to capture everything, LOL.

The last but not least is the host. Our Animus host is called Layla Hassan. This is the first time I played the present time outside the Abstergo (I’ve never had a chance to play AC Unity and the Syndicate, so I don’t know about that). This is the first time I feel really shook—I saw the real corpse of the ancestors of this game—that the MC that I played is already dead at the present time. Hellooo, Layla even used the Animus across the Mummy’s MC. However, I kind of missing the Abstergo Company, the hacking game, looking for computers, und so weiter.

Yeah, that is my rant for today. I think this game is the best in the main installment (Senu and the cats played the important roles in my judgment). There’s also the Discovery Tour Mode, the combat-free one. I think I will head back to there, once I finished the main story.





P.S.: I heard this game is historically accurate?

P.P.S.: I suggest to use the subtitle even though you use the English audio. I don’t even know what they are speaking in English—the accent killed me, so I ended up with Deutsch audio (for my learning) and the English subtitle.


Now, I would like to talk about my first cat, Kimi!! I’ve already told you that she’s missing and until now I couldn’t find her, because I don’t have any lead about her missing.

when she was child

when she was kitten

In 2013, when I was in 3rd grade in senior high school, I really want to have cat like really bad. I don’t know what triggered that, but the want in me was really high that I had to mention it like everyday to my mom and even I promised to take care of the cat with my money. Maybe because my mom fed up of me, so she agreed. My mother has a friend who’s cat lover. He had 3 cats that time if I’m not mistaken and one of my friend’s cats was pregnant. My mother then asked my friend if his cat gives birth, she would like to have one. Sooo, I had one.

The timing was perfect. It was one week after my birthday. So, the new kitten actually was my present from my mom. I named it Kimi from Rugrats. And it suits her though. Kimi is a Turkish Angora breed, she liked to climb. When she was still in my home, she usually liked to climb in the partition rotan in my house and then she sat on top of it. She’s beautiful, and nope, it’s actually from the neutral POV not because I love her.

She liked to wake my mother’s up by scratching my parent’s door in the morning, and when my mom’s cook, she liked to sit in the small window in the kitchen.

when we went to Semarang by car

when we went to Semarang by car

When my family and I went to Semarang, she joined us too! She liked to watch other vehicles, and sit on top of our bags. We even had to put bags to cover the under front seats, because she liked to explore around, and it’s very dangerous if she goes to the driver’s area.

My father, who used to hate cats because he thinks that cats are dirty, now loves cats. It’s all because of her. Well, she will be in our hearts, even though we don’t know her condition.

More Kimi’s pictures:

she's beautiful, isn't she?

she’s beautiful, isn’t she?


when I played video game

when I played video game



Missing Pet

Aku gunain bahasa, karena jujur aja topik ini salah satu emosional buat aku.

Kucing pertamaku yang namanya Kimi, hilang dari rumah, karena ada orang (aku bahkan nggak bisa manggil orang itu sebagai manusia) yang ngambil Kimi di pagi itu. Seperti yang aku bilang sebelumnya, Kimi adalah kucing pertamaku, dia adalah kucing jenis anggora, Kimi adalah betina, dia sangat cantik dalam skala kucing. Kimi sangat suka memanjat, dia bahkan biasanya suka duduk di pembatas ruangan yang dari rotan.

Kejadiannya adalah sebagai berikut. Dapur di rumahku terletak di belakang rumah. Setiap pagi, Kimi (yang selalu bangun lebih pagi dari kami) menunggu di depan pintu kamar mamaku (dia biasanya selalu membangun mamaku di pagi hari dengan menggaruk-garuk pintu kamar mamaku jam 4 pagi). Mamaku lalu ke dapur untuk memasak dan Kimi mengikuti dari belakang. Sebelum memasak, mamaku selalu membuka jendela agar udara di dapur lebih segar, dan Kimi selalu menemani mamaku masak dengan duduk di bingkai jendela yang dibuka. Jendelanya hanya berukuran persegi panjang kecil, terletak di dinding bagian atas yang memang hanya tujuannya agar udara masuk. Semua jendela di rumahku dipasang teralis, termasuk jendela dapur. Selagi mamaku menunggu masakan matang, mamaku mengambil bahan di kulkas yang berada di ruang makan. Ketika dia balik, Kimi sudah tidak ada lagi di jendela. Mamaku menganggap biasa-biasa saja, karena memang kebiasaan Kimi yang suka keliling di dalam rumah (dia bahkan pernah masuk ke lubang pipa yang ada di ruang jemuran).

Setelah mamaku masak, mamaku pun membangunkanku (meskipun punya alarm, mama adalah alarm paling berguna, haha ) agar aku bersiap-siap untuk ikut ujian masuk universitas. Aku juga ketika ingin berangkat menganggap biasa-biasa saja karena memang Kimi selalu suka pindah-pindah ruangan, jadi memang jarang kelihatan. Setelah aku ujian, selesai sekitar jam 3 sore, aku dijemput oleh mamaku dan mamaku memberi tahu kalau Kimi tidak kelihatan di rumah. Sontaklah aku panik di jalan, hingga ketika aku sampai di rumah, aku langsung mencari Kimi sampai 3 kali, bahkan memanggilnya dengan suara keras. Tetapi tidak ada respon sama sekali dan bahkan dia tidak kelihatan sekali pun. Ternyata ketika aku mengecek di dapur, di jendela dapur terdapat banyak sekali bulu-bulu kucing, aku tahu bahwa Kimi telah diambil paksa oleh orang di luar rumahku dengan memanjat pot tanaman yang ada di bawah jendela dapur.

You know that when person already finished the test, that person will felt at ease. Tetapi aku tidak merasakannya… Aku mengunci kamarku dan aku menangis.. Menangis yang tadinya hanya lirihan, tiba-tiba menjadi tangisan kejar, yang bahkan papaku dengar dari lantai bawah. Ketika itu, aku merasa bahwa dadaku sesak, aku bahkan tidak lagi memikirkan ujian masuk hari itu. My mom said that they are actually relieved that they found out Kimi’s missing in the noon, when I’m having a test, not in the morning. Because I’m really sure that if I found out KImi’s missing in that morning, I know that I wouldn’t be here, in this university. I know that I couldn’t even go to take the test if I know it. Even if my parents like drag me to the exam’s location, I know that my mind will not be in ease, that I know that I couldn’t even take pencil and use it, I couldn’t even look at the questions, because when I cried in my room when know that Kimi’s missing, all I felt is numb…

Do you know that Kimi is such a nice cat, that she didn’t use her claw to us, I still remember one time when girls in our home tried to cut Kimi’s nails using cat nail clipper, we unaccidentally cut her nail deep, and as a result she was bleeding. No, she didn’t even use her claw to get out of our grip, she tried to get out by kicking with her paws. I know that for sure, that when she was struggle from that animal who kidnapped her, I know that she didn’t even use her claw to defend herself. Heck, she even never bite us. She even rarely meos at us, that’s the reason why my mom didn’t realise that Kimi was taken by that animal. I can’t even imagine Kimi, my fragile cat, living outside of my house. I know that she couldn’t survive out there. I prefer her to dead than missing. It is the unknown what happen to her now that just drives me crazy.

I still remember how excited I was to get my first kitten for my birthday, after weeks of whining to my mom. I still remember, when Kimi joined us to go to Semarang, a ten hour driving, I still remember, when my family sneaked Kimi inside restaurant even though that the waiter said no (calm people, it was an outdoor restaurant, not indoor).

Even though that now I have three cats (Snowy, Molly, Bonnie), I’m still mourning her. I think it’s just me in the house that still feel really sad that she’s gone. Now, I can mention her, and even recall her memories in this house. But, there’s time when I look at her picture or even just thinking about that day that suddenly I’m crying.

And God… I know that it’s been a year that Kimi was gone, but now I’m writing this with all of my tears just come out from my eyes. It’s still painful when I’m thinking about Kimi. I just can’t let it go from my hearts.

Up until now, Internet is such great helper for me to overcome this. I realized that, there are many people out there, that actually have some experience like me. Even I found out that there’s few people who’s still crying for his/her cat after 10 years missing. And actually, I feel really glad, that I’m normal, that I’m not the only one who felt like this. Maybe because she’s my first pet that I really love (my previous pets are turtle, bunny, chicken), that I could bonding too, are the reasons why I feel such an overwhelming sadness.

For those of you who have a pet in your house, take a good care of them. They have heart too you know! Treat them as one of your family.

And last, here’s a quote:

“Until one has loved an animal a part of one’s soul remains unawakened” – Anatole France



Naminance’s Origin

Now, about the name of this blog. As I mentioned at my first blog, I’m a nerd. I really like to play video games (I’m a console gamer!!). So, there’s this video game called Dead Island. It’s about the main characters stuck in island full of zombies. And when I played this, I thought about hell in paradise. You can watch the trailer of that game at Youtube, it’s actually a bit sad. At first the family goes on vacation, they are like doing family things happily, and suddenly they are being chased by zombies. The official trailer is in reverse time, so if you want to watch the “normal” time, you can watch it at IGN channel. And no, up until now I don’t finish the game. I couldn’t. Dead Island is the type of the games that in the beginning it’s easy, but when you progress the story, it will becomes difficult, and currently I’m in the middle of the plot, and I can say… it’s difficult and the zombies are starting to freak me out. I mean, really, the zombies are not like in the films when they walk slowly, and say rubbish things like “aaaa”. In that game… They run, literally run like Forrest Gump (look what I try to put the reference in here, LOL). And when it’s dark… I can’t even go outside of the safe house because I’m scaredL.

When I signed up, I use “hell in paradise” for my website’s name, but… it’s already been taken. Since I don’t have enough creativity, I looked up on internet, and the internet said that if you want to make website name, you can go to wordoid.com. After I went to that website, I chose English and France for preferred language, and when I searched it there’s “naminance” in there. I don’t know if I told you already or not, but one of my friend used to call me Nami, haha. The word “naminance” sounds good in my ear, and it reminds me of the character in my favourite video game “Kingdom Hearts”, so I use it as my blog name.

Have a good day!




Well… I don’t know what to say… Okay… First is WELCOME TO MY BLOG!! Actually I planned to make it in senior high school, then dragged back to plan it in the beginning of the college’s year… And now, it’s a second year of my college. LOL, I’m such a procrastinator. The plan was, when I pass one of top universities in my country, I will make a blog. But, maybe because I’m busy—and let’s face it that I’m a little bit lazy—I couldn’t make it. And it’s a shame that during the two and half months of holiday (I’m already miss it L) that I didn’t even start this blog. Well, holiday is supposed to going out, sleep, and play video games, haha (I’m such a nerd, really ). So now, in the beginning of my second year, I made this blog. And I know that I’ll rarely write in this blog, because this will be hectic, like a really hectic year.

Actually I don’t know what I should put in this blog. They are bunch of blogs that dedicated in just one type, like travelling blog, beauty product review blog, and daily life blog. The thing is… I can’t make that, for example the one with beauty product review blog. I’m not the type of people who just buy the makeup, buy it and then just try it. No. I don’t want to buy something that in the end I’m going to regret it. I’m the type of people when to buy something; I have to look the review at least 8 reviews in the internet or usually I try my friend’s make up before buy it. AND, I always bring my friend to buy makeup because I want my friend’s opinion. I can’t rely on the seller’s opinion because they always wear heavy makeup, that I’m actually cringe when I look at them and they are rely on commission. And friend is always brutally honest when I want to ask their opinion about what my choice.

So, I decided to make this blog all of them above, from my ramblings, travelling, beauty product, and etc. And, maybe I’ll use my native language, well, if my laziness starts to kick it in the future.

That’s all that I have to say. I would like to say thank you, for visiting my blog, and hopefully, that all of you who visit read all of my writings. Have a blast day!



P.S.: For those all of you who are grammar nazi, bear with me. English is NOT my native language.